ouch.

i now realize that for the past month and a half ive done nothing but lie to myself. they say one day it will hit you. thats happening now. im trying so hard to forget and move on but its effing hard. i want you to be happy and i want to be happy myself, sometimes i am, sometimes im miserable. ill admit that when im lying down in bed its you i think about and when i wake up you are the first person i think about as well. maybe its just because thats all ive done for the past year and a half but just erasing you isnt going to work. call me a bitch or whatever you want but i am angry that you have been able to move on so quickly. you told me we couldnt be together because you didnt want a girlfriend but then you go and start dating. i dont understand. yes im bitching and ranting but thats why i joined this. noone wants to listen to my pathetic cries and me bashing you anymore, therefore i must write everthing in here. i dont blame them its rediculous but then again you are the one seeing someone. I DONT FUCKING GET IT. you left me because you dont want a relationship, if that wasnt the reason then why did you lie to me. why didnt you tell me that you just needed someone new? if that was the case. no, you told me that you just didnt want a relationship and maybe thats why i was okay with it. i felt the difference, i felt that you were cold to me for the last 4 months of our relationship but i never gave up, not once. you did, and therefore you are a jackass in my eyes. i wouldnt sit here and blame you for all of this but i know that you are the reason that we arent together. i would have done anything for you matthew and you know that. do you even care anymore? i think not. oh and it was really smart of you to answer the call for maor while you were on the phone with me. how do you think i felt? ya ya we are just friends, ya i kissed her. ya she calls me. great, then it all started. please dont keep anything from me because i think that i deserve at least that, the truth. if you start going out with her i want to know, i deserve it. ill always be there to support you through everything because thats what love is. ill always love you. and i probably wont ever get over you because you were my everything, i loved you more than i could ever put into workds. deep down i want to believe that you loved me because i trusted you more than anyone but now i just dont know that you loved me as much as you said, because you wouldnt be able to hurt me the way you do. im done. im fucking done.